Saturday, September 18, 2010

My sordid relationship with exercise

I have such a dirty, sordid relationship with exercise.  I need it, I want it, I can't have it, it's keeping me from developing other relationships, I hate it, I'm afraid to come crawling back again.  It's such an old relationship, too - it remembers me from when I was first trying to become an exerciser long, long ago, to when I was actually pretty good at it, through all the ups and downs of pregnancies, childbirths, raising small children, developing and treating breast cancer, losing one parent, then the 2nd, and then the 3rd (m-i-l).  Admittedly, it's been mostly remembering me, and I've been remembering it, lately!

Well, finally, my last child has started school in the mornings on Monday-Friday.  Even if he misses for an occasional cold, I should be able to still be mostly on a schedule and stick to it.  I need to not sign up for anything except for exercise during that time period (M-F from 9:20am - 11:20am when I have to get in the shower to be clean for pick-up), and then I actually have to DO IT.  That's the trick - this week my boy went M-Th (cold he can't shake so kept him home yesterday) and I was only a successful exerciser on Monday.  I spent the other days cleaning up after chickens/pets/gardening, cleaning up from the renovation, blogging or doing email or organizing the schedule (and one awesome and really-worth-it day with a dear friend who gave me a million ideas and inspiration for the house and for life).  They were all great things to do - things that needed to be done - but the thing is, there is ALWAYS something that needs to be done.  If I want to turn my dirty sordid relationship with exercise into an actual relationship that is working for me, I need to make the time, and now I have the time to make, M-F.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>All of my whining to myself>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
If I had any willpower or devotion to this dirty sordid relationship it would not have taken me 11 YEARS to give myself that 2 hours/day regularly!  I would have gotten up early without fail (instead of about 7 times in  11 years), I would have stayed up late regularly, I would have forced any one of my 3 children to go to the gym when they were having a fit about not going. I wouldn't have let myself fall off these schedules and plans so easily.  I do have an obvious guilt problem, though - and it's hard for me to not get stressed when something unusual comes up (all the time with kids, illnesses, deaths, moves, renovations, etc) and then I get worked up, and the depression comes in, and that whole cycle begins and I begin reacting instead of acting.
>>>>>>>>>>>>All of my niceness to myself>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I've done a pretty good job, considering all of these other things.  Yes, a better person could have done better...but I have three healthy children who are confident, and smart, and HAPPY, and doing very well despite all of our difficulties and more than any of that, DESPITE having a mom who suffers from depression.  That I have (mostly) spared them from my crazy is by far my biggest accomplishment! and if I had to get fat to do it, or be scatterbrained to do it, or be spontaneous in my cure-the-depression tricks to do it, it was all worth it when I get reports that my children are doing well, are coping well, are being good role models, are spreading their sunshine to others.

And now I have Monday - Friday, 9:20 - 11:20am, to get myself back on track with exercise and quiet time, to do some good things to actively treat the depression instead of reacting to it.  My dirty, sordid relationship will have a little regular time and attention and should be able to become a tool I can use to build a more complete (more neurologically-sound!) me.

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