My latest dream...

I want to be a part of creating a community garden...I'm reading more about them here, and starting small with garden clubs at both E's school (starts Thursday!) and K's school (plans in the works).  Who knows what I can grow these projects into? :)

It has become apparent that I am not always the parent in this relationship...

Me, yesterday in the yard, muttering and complaining: "I am so sick of having dogs!  They bark all the time, they poop all the time....Do you hear me, you stupid dog?  I am sick of you!  Stop barking!  I don't know why I ever got these dogs in the first place.  I should get rid of them.  These dogs are such a PAIN IN MY REAR!!!!!!

Nathan, my old-soul-5-year old, sighs and says in a kind, patient, and soothing voice, like he's the parent and I am the whining child: "I know...."

The joys and pains of social networking

I have REALLY REALLY enjoyed facebook.  It couldn't have come into my life at a better time.  It was 2008 - cancer year - and what a great way to spend some nauseous moments!  Cozied up in bed in my quiet room, I passed at least a few really yucky Saturdays reading about old friends and learning more about new friends - a pleasant pastime in rather unpleasant circumstances.  I have loved connecting and reconnecting with people on facebook, loved sharing moments back and forth.

Beyond socially networking on facebook, I have also loved the games!  I'm embarrassed to think of the hours of free time I have logged playing these mindless games...but honestly, I needed them.  For A LOT of the past 3 years, I've needed to turn off my mind - to not think of my own cancer returning, to not think about the major catastrophic losses that were about to happen to me, or that now have happened to me.  Never underestimate the power of these games in grief recovery! I can log on, play some games, turn my mind off...and when I return to my thoughts (months later!), they aren't nearly as painful as they once were.  Oh the power of time.

However, time has another power - the power of slipping away!  I think I'm starting to be able to use my time constructively again - I'm fitting in exercise, I'm fitting in all of these crazy home renovation projects, I'm able to plan for the future and ENGAGE more in my own life - but now I'm starting to need that time back that I spend on fb!  I kind of miss watching movies and reading books...and blessedly, I (mostly) feel like a normal person again (what a blessing) and thus, watching movies or reading books doesn't just make me feel like an outcast more.  (It was not easy for me to watch the beautiful people or to read about exciting things when I was young, bald, deformed, and staring into the face of my BRCA status, and the fact that both of my parents were either dead or going to be dead before they reached significant old age.)

So I'm coming to a breakup I fear is not going to be easy for me...I'm going to have to significantly curtail my facebook usage, and soon.  No mom of 3 active children, who wants to be seriously involved in their lives, who also has 5 chickens and 5 other pets to care for, and a house to finish remodeling, and a career to consider beginning, who has an active passion for lots and lots of lots of gardening, who is also trying to get back into shape, and who also wants to follow a few other hobbies HAS ANY TIME TO BE FRITTERING AWAY ON FACEBOOK!

So, thank you, silly little social networking site, for being such a great "time suck" when I really really needed it, and when other "time sucks" were too painful for me.  I think it is time to start living my life a little more (and possibly, reading about other people's lives a little bit less...and sadly, playing games a little less, too!)