I don't ever need a New Year to spout off a resolution or two...seems like I am always grasping at new ideas that will help me be more productive, a better parent, to feel more fulfilled, to lose those extra 10 lbs, to make a difference in the world. When the New Year rolls around and the stores, and magazines, and newspapers, and the whole internet are filled with ways to inspire people to change their lives for the better, it just about sets me over the edge. It's too much! I'm ready to change all things at once ANYWAY, and then to have all of this inspiration around me just makes me schizophrenic with wants and needs to do better, be better, etc.
Well, except for the fact that about 75% of the time I'm miserable because I lost my little precious shadow and can't be inspired to even feel a glimmer of hope about things...but it feels too maudlin to go over and over how much I miss my precious pooch here. The stupid writers of all of those dog books have already done it - what makes my grief over my dog any better or more poignant than theirs? It should suffice for me to say that I am miserable and that I am doing my best (yet again) to function despite an annoyingly large amount of grief.
I suppose the state of Grief is a good state for me to be in, as a parent, because it numbs all of my desires to do more, to prove myself, to be better and to be accomplished. I "wasted" our entire Christmas break watching movies and playing computer games with my children. I'm not at all interested in changing the world or helping other people these days - I'd rather play hide and seek with my kids, or do craft projects with them, or cuddle up with them. Did I sign up to help with that? Oh, sorry, I have a commitment that evening (read: shopping with my daughter and making up voices for the stuffed animal I bought her).
Alas, other than wondering if it is even worth it to try to be enthusiastic about life and all of it's possibilities this year, I'll be lucky if I accomplish ANYTHING in 2011 (except for missing all the dead people and animals, and also really missing that feeling when we all were young and enthusiastic about life). What a funny resolution that would be - I resolve to not accomplish anything in 2011!
