And she failed again!

1. Didn't exercise during my free time yesterday!  I took care of my chickens, and just as I was about to hop on the treadmill Grandpa Bill came over.  WELL...although I have been known to hide when people come to the door at bad times (!!!!!!!!!!!!), I don't hide from Grandpa Bill (he's really Bill's dad, but it feels weird to call him Bill, or Dad, and luckily I have 3 reasons why I can call him Grandpa Bill so that has solved my problem.).  He's always thought my kids were amazing-smart-wonderful-beyond-all-belief, so it makes it very easy to love him!  I'm not good at stopping to visit or doing much with him except being as thoughful as I can possibly be when he stops over, so alas...no exercise.
2. Lost Rosie after all.  I have been spending all this time watching over the chickens because I was sure she was the next to go...and I was right.  I think I could be the worst excuse for a chicken hobbyist ever...who loses 3 out of 8 birds?

>>>>>>>>>>>>Rambling about Chickens>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

1. When Superman seemed ill - cold feet, seemed like she lost tons of weight in a weekend, was uninterested in things, listless - I spent hours looking on the internet, reading, trying things to help her (if she was eggbound, to warm her up, etc)...and then hours on the phone with the farm trying to figure out what might have happened.  Didn't help - could be genetics, could have been eggbound, who knows.  I felt guilty and wondered if I should have taken her to the farm sooner, given he, left her alone...
2. When PuffPuff was ill - diarrhea, seemed like she lost weight too, not laying, was out of it and miserable - I called the farm and took her right there, got her antibiotics, got her electrolytes, helped her drink it all, put her in the coop with her sisters (but separated because I didn't know if they would attack her because she was failing).  She died anyway.
3. Rosie has always looked little, skinny, and runt-like since the girls got their big girl feathers.  I've been worried about her from the start...but for the past couple of days she has looked unhappy and less interested in being a chicken (only stopped laying maybe 2 days before death though).   Yesterday she was cold and had a droopy sad look (no diarrhea though). I decided to try tactic number 3 - be nice but don't try anything extraneous.  So we had a good day (except that I didn't exercise and so was a maniac this morning) - I took her around with me as I did garden work, spent time petting her, talked to her (and she clucked gently back - so cute).  This morning - dead chicken #3.

I'm really starting to hate this...and not only because the ground is so horrible that it takes a thousand years to did a grave.  YES, I should be more resilient...but honestly, it is hard to lose something even as insignificant as a chicken you've only had for 6 months.  It's also a big giant pain to not be able to plan on something and have it all go as you have planned -but I'm just not capable of getting on the treadmill when a) I have a sad-looking bird in the yard or b) I have a dead rotting bird to bury.

Better luck next time?  Or should I just let all these birds die and then get out of the chicken business?  (It's still a better business to be in than the rabbit business, though. First, they obviously don't all live as long.  Second, they give us eggs.  Third, they are always so spunky and happy - until they are dying... wahhh)

My sordid relationship with exercise

I have such a dirty, sordid relationship with exercise.  I need it, I want it, I can't have it, it's keeping me from developing other relationships, I hate it, I'm afraid to come crawling back again.  It's such an old relationship, too - it remembers me from when I was first trying to become an exerciser long, long ago, to when I was actually pretty good at it, through all the ups and downs of pregnancies, childbirths, raising small children, developing and treating breast cancer, losing one parent, then the 2nd, and then the 3rd (m-i-l).  Admittedly, it's been mostly remembering me, and I've been remembering it, lately!

Well, finally, my last child has started school in the mornings on Monday-Friday.  Even if he misses for an occasional cold, I should be able to still be mostly on a schedule and stick to it.  I need to not sign up for anything except for exercise during that time period (M-F from 9:20am - 11:20am when I have to get in the shower to be clean for pick-up), and then I actually have to DO IT.  That's the trick - this week my boy went M-Th (cold he can't shake so kept him home yesterday) and I was only a successful exerciser on Monday.  I spent the other days cleaning up after chickens/pets/gardening, cleaning up from the renovation, blogging or doing email or organizing the schedule (and one awesome and really-worth-it day with a dear friend who gave me a million ideas and inspiration for the house and for life).  They were all great things to do - things that needed to be done - but the thing is, there is ALWAYS something that needs to be done.  If I want to turn my dirty sordid relationship with exercise into an actual relationship that is working for me, I need to make the time, and now I have the time to make, M-F.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>All of my whining to myself>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
If I had any willpower or devotion to this dirty sordid relationship it would not have taken me 11 YEARS to give myself that 2 hours/day regularly!  I would have gotten up early without fail (instead of about 7 times in  11 years), I would have stayed up late regularly, I would have forced any one of my 3 children to go to the gym when they were having a fit about not going. I wouldn't have let myself fall off these schedules and plans so easily.  I do have an obvious guilt problem, though - and it's hard for me to not get stressed when something unusual comes up (all the time with kids, illnesses, deaths, moves, renovations, etc) and then I get worked up, and the depression comes in, and that whole cycle begins and I begin reacting instead of acting.
>>>>>>>>>>>>All of my niceness to myself>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I've done a pretty good job, considering all of these other things.  Yes, a better person could have done better...but I have three healthy children who are confident, and smart, and HAPPY, and doing very well despite all of our difficulties and more than any of that, DESPITE having a mom who suffers from depression.  That I have (mostly) spared them from my crazy is by far my biggest accomplishment! and if I had to get fat to do it, or be scatterbrained to do it, or be spontaneous in my cure-the-depression tricks to do it, it was all worth it when I get reports that my children are doing well, are coping well, are being good role models, are spreading their sunshine to others.

And now I have Monday - Friday, 9:20 - 11:20am, to get myself back on track with exercise and quiet time, to do some good things to actively treat the depression instead of reacting to it.  My dirty, sordid relationship will have a little regular time and attention and should be able to become a tool I can use to build a more complete (more neurologically-sound!) me.

Moving houses for the 6th time...

At the end of June, we hurriedly started a renovation of the whole first floor of our home.  My mother-in-law was the brains behind this operation, and when it became clear to me that 1) she really meant it, she really wanted to see this happen and 2) she didn't think she had much time left, I begged the contractor she found to come and start this crazy project early.   He is a most wonderful man, and so he did...but unfortunately, my dear mother-in-law passed away as the walls were being torn down and built up again in my house.  Our last picture of her shows her smiling as she watches Bill hang our kitchen's late 70's oak cabinets in our garage....but she never got to see any of the finished product (makes me miserable to think about).

So...we've had a summer of a mess.  New hardwood floors, new stairs and railings, new cabinets, appliances, etc.  Although we aren't blessed in all ways (who is), we have been blessed to have friends who have given us good advice, to have had my mother-in-law's guidance throughout the entire planning process, and to have found good, honest workers and so the disastrous remodeling process has not been magnificently easy but it's not been horribly hard, either.

Finally our appliances are in, our granite fiasco is cleared up, we have a sink in our kitchen, and I can move us back in.  It feels like I am moving into an entirely new house (though the footprint of the kitchen is the same, the cabinets are taller and there are fewer of them, the arrangement of the whole main level is different, etc.)...and I'm feeling the disadvantages of all the moves we've made in the 11 years of our marriage (5 houses, and now this is the 6th/sort of).  I'm going through piles from this move, but also piles from other renovations/moves, finally (because we are really moving in this time...this stuff is here for keeps)...and it's kind of sad to see all of the little items that got lost along the way popping back up.  The kids have grown up so much!  We've been so busy and it's all flying by...and from what I hear, it's going to get even faster.

It feels really really sad to be settling into this house, physically and emotionally, with all of the things we've picked out, etc. without my mother-in-law.  How many phone calls would I have made to her, how many impromptu visits would she have made (or photos would I have sent to her if she wasn't able to travel over) to see the improvements, would she be proud and happy and comfortable here?  But tonight, at the same time, when I pick through our misplaced piles of paper and find Emma's 1st grade dictionary and Katie's scrolling papers, and way back to before breast cancer, before we even had Nathan, and mostly, to way back when I felt my luck was going to change soon, before I had so much experience with the fragility of life and the pain of loss, I realize how fast it is all going.  It is really really time to settle in, to make this house cozy and organized and home-like, before my kids are all grown up and gone (even if I don't feel like it, even if it hurts to be doing it without the mastermind).

And just a note about my blog's picture

It is awesome.  I just love those chickens, all eager and bursting around the yard.

I wish I could tell who they are...I think it is Margaret to the left, but I'd expect her to be the bursting one to the right.  Leads me to believe that it is Annie Lennox to the right, who is spunky as well...though it could be Alan Trammell, who is dark in color (like this chicken) and also a bit determined.  I do think the chicken in the middle is our dear, departed Puff Puff (named by Katie), who I feel is looking into the camera knowingly..."my time to leave you is nearing, and thus I have this wise look in my eyes."

Curriculum night...or, what my child's teacher is teaching me

Admittedly, I'm not all so thrilled about loads and loads and loads of technology in the classroom.  Birmingham Public Schools IS, though, so I am constantly being barraged by educators telling me that "We are not from the digital age, we can only hope to learn this [digital] language which our children already speak" blah blah blah blah blah.

What a load of rubbish.  I firmly believe that we can all learn whatever we set our minds to learn, make time to learn, and are eager to learn.  Yes, it is always easier to have a routine, to use the routine, and to work with what is comfortable and fast (that is why I balk every time my husband buys some new sort of equipment...I'm used to moving at a certain speed and doing things a certain way and it annoys me to have to slow down and learn something new, even if it is better)...but the old way never sticks around for very long so yes, we have to take time to learn new things.

(And so - Yes, it's a pain to set up a new blog...to get used to all of the new capabilities that blogger has now that it didn't have a few years ago...when I just feel like writing...but that is all part of the learning process too. )

Anyway, back to curriculum night.  After being bullied for about 1/2 hour about how we were so far behind our children and we have to get with the program (by a woman who has only been teaching for 8 years...8 years that I have spent on the computer fooling around and learning whatever I felt like while my young children were growing up - learning html, learning how to blog, to use whatever I felt like using, learning how to figure out whatever I want to know, etc), I did catch on to a few bits that struck me, turned me around, and made me realize I'm going to like this teacher, after all.

Here they are...I think they are worth sharing!

1. The WHY for all this moodle, wikis, etc. - all technologies which I think are cool and fun but do not blow me away and make my knees quiver with excitement, "oh they are so cool and the wave of the future", (because they're going to be totally old-school by the time Emma is done with high school, I'm sure...things just move that fast): it's all about learning, sharing, and creating information.  Everyone has something to share, from the youngest on up...and some things the youngest can teach us (ways of thinking, etc.) are totally great and awesome.  ***I love this because it makes me realize that everyone has something totally different to share - from my kids (which I knew), to their teachers (which I also knew), to me (which I didn't know...so weird, yes).
2. My child's teacher is adamant that my daughter needs to learn how to fail, needs to cry (not a problem), needs to be disappointed (not a problem, either...our whole family is pretty used to disappointment and such lately), needs to do it all herself and fall on her face, etc.  I'm not excited about this idea... but I can kind of see her point.  I was pretty darned perfect in school and a few rejections I did had came so late that I could barely handle them at all.  However, this idea is going to take some marinating.  I came from the land of "do it all yourself, be responsible for your own self" and it's kind of a lonely place...PLUS if you are supremely responsible, then you still never get those failures that are supposed to shape you and make you so resilient and awesome and ready to take on the world.  So we'll see.
3. A quote that I hope to always remember..."I've got my cape, I'm wearing my Superwoman outfit.  I can handle it."  How awesome to feel like you really DO want to get to work and handle every single weird thing that is thrown your way by the 3rd graders entrusted in your care....that phrase basically put me squarely in her fan club, despite the 1/2 hour browbeating I took earlier (with all of the other parents...but hey, I bounced back from it AND joined the fan club!  I guess I picked up some resilience after all, somewhere along the way after my academic career. It's never too late to stop learning!)

Takes my breath away...and not in a happy way

Sometimes the grief of having lost a loved one blankets everything in grey - takes the colors out of everything, takes the importance away from everything, sets it all past an arm's reach.  You just don't see anymore, and if you did see things, you don't really give a crap about it.

If the blanket lifts - and it does, inexplicably - it feels good to see those colors, to run around like all the regular people in the world who aren't suffering or certainly aren't showing it if they are.  "Wow!  Can't believe I can actually be happy or care about that!"  You'd think one would welcome the lifting of the blanket.

Nope. Not really...and not just because you feel your responsibilities and those aren't always fun picnics with free cotton candy and lots of pretty gardens to skip through every day.

No, I hate the lifting of the blanket because of the sucker punch that comes when I'm least expecting it.  WHAM!  Remember that?  Remember how much it sucks that you loved that person and THEY ARE NEVER COMING BACK?  Or worse, Remember how much your children loved that person and THEY ARE NEVER COMING BACK.  Or possibly even worse, Remember how much your husband loved that person and SHE IS NEVER COMING BACK AND YOUR HUSBAND MIGHT NOT COME BACK FOR A LONG TIME, EITHER.

Tonight I was cleaning up yet another mess my darling, dearest, beloved and special eldest daughter had created recently (she's a mess maker, that one), and I stumbled upon a whole entire cache of Get Well! cards, I LOVE YOU! cards, and Happy Mother's Day cards my children made for my beloved departed mother-in-law.  They provided a very strong sucker punch.  Remember how much time I would spend asking and overseeing the production of handmade cards, both for expected (Mother's Day) and for the many, many unexpected (emergency room visits, hospital admissions, and way back to the diagnosis(es - because not even that long ago we were doing this for my Dad, too)?  Well, guess what - there's no need for these cards.  The beautiful emotion in these cards?  Lost, or mingled with tears and fears that everyone else is going to leave too.

I wouldn't wish for my beloved mother-in-law to be suffering anymore - emotionally as well as physically, because as much as all of the uncertainty of not being able to ever really know where I was going to be, what I could do, where I could go, what I could commit to (because someone could get sick, or get admitted to the hospital, or this might be the last holiday, the last family dinner, the last shopping trip, the last time I even get to visit her in the hospital, and then someone might be dying) BOTHERED me, it was probably worse for my mother-in-law, because she was the one watching her own life contract and fly away.

Now I can make plans again (if I care too, mostly I don't still).  Now we could plan a vacation and actually use those plans.  And I have a lot of free time that has been carved out until fairly recently with either watching kids (while my husband rushes to the hospital, or attends doctor appointments, or researches treatments), picking up pieces, worrying, discussing treatments and prognoses, trying to think of thoughtful things to do, ways to spend those special moments and ways to fit it all in along with all of those many normal things that make up childhood.

But honestly?  Regular life isn't all I was wishing it could be and I would give most things up to just be back to about 4 months ago when I had no regular life but I did have my mother-in-law.

The contender for the background picture

I just love how Margaret is running so fast her wattles are flying!  (wattle=fleshy thing under the chin)

WHOA it takes a long time to set up a blog...

I spent about an hour making the picture of my beloved chickens close to a good size for this page...and thinking of things to say (don't have anything to say yet)...and thinking of things I want to put on this blog (you'd never know I have ever blogged before, would you)...

And wasting some precious time!  After all, it IS a gorgeous fall day.  But it is good to get started.